My very worst "mom" moment.
Honestly, I've been debating even writing this, Let alone posting it… because I am embarrassed.
On Monday I felt like a bad mom. I hid my tears from my girls and drove home singing Itsy Bitsy Spider so my two year old wouldn’t know that mama was hurt. I drove home bleeding, bruised and feeling terrible.
Monday morning I took my beautiful girls to the park, it was a great morning, we had some errands to run later and I wanted them to get some outside time in. It’s not unusual for us to stop at a park by ourselves. We took pictures, we played, we had a great time for almost an hour and a half. Then it was time to go. Audrey didn’t want to leave but we had an appointment to get too. I had Aurora in the baby carrier. Audrey sat in the wood chips and pouted until I picked her up, she wanted to be carried to the car. The car wasn’t far so I swooped her up and started walking.
My ankle twisted.
I swear that fall felt like it took ten minutes. Time felt like it went so slow but I just couldn’t stop the fall. I grabbed both my girls heads with my hands and slammed myself onto my knees so I had an extra second before we fell face-first. I took that second and turned onto my back. Not a scratch on my babies. Aurora hardly noticed, she just sighed. Audrey was shaken up and a little scared but I calmed her down quick. I got back up and made it to the car. Buckled the girls and got in the drivers seat.
That is when I started to shake. That is when I noticed the blood on my knees. Shock wore off, pain set in. There was gravel in the cuts, road rash surrounding and I could feel the bruises forming. It hurt like hell to drive. It hurt like hell to get my girls inside the house and in bed. But I did it.
I felt so guilty. I’m a mom, I'm supposed to be their superhero. I’m not supposed to fall. What could have happened if my poor baby hit the ground? Or if Audrey slipped from my arms and got hurt?
I know I did my best. I know I'm human and things happen. I know my babies aren’t hurt and that is all that matters.
But I'm still hurt on the inside. I still feel like I failed them somehow, like I messed up. The mom guilt still makes me want to cry and feel ashamed…
I must have whispered “I'm sorry” to their sleeping faces a hundred times that afternoon. I sat and held them both for hours when they woke.
Sometimes mom-guilt is just feeling bad when they cry for dessert and they haven’t finished dinner. Sometimes it’s saying no to the expensive toy they asked for at the grocery store. But it hurts so much worse when you think you could have hurt your babies while they thought they were safe in your arms.
I’m trying to forgive myself.
I love you my angels.
On Monday I felt like a bad mom. I hid my tears from my girls and drove home singing Itsy Bitsy Spider so my two year old wouldn’t know that mama was hurt. I drove home bleeding, bruised and feeling terrible.
Monday morning I took my beautiful girls to the park, it was a great morning, we had some errands to run later and I wanted them to get some outside time in. It’s not unusual for us to stop at a park by ourselves. We took pictures, we played, we had a great time for almost an hour and a half. Then it was time to go. Audrey didn’t want to leave but we had an appointment to get too. I had Aurora in the baby carrier. Audrey sat in the wood chips and pouted until I picked her up, she wanted to be carried to the car. The car wasn’t far so I swooped her up and started walking.
My ankle twisted.
I swear that fall felt like it took ten minutes. Time felt like it went so slow but I just couldn’t stop the fall. I grabbed both my girls heads with my hands and slammed myself onto my knees so I had an extra second before we fell face-first. I took that second and turned onto my back. Not a scratch on my babies. Aurora hardly noticed, she just sighed. Audrey was shaken up and a little scared but I calmed her down quick. I got back up and made it to the car. Buckled the girls and got in the drivers seat.
That is when I started to shake. That is when I noticed the blood on my knees. Shock wore off, pain set in. There was gravel in the cuts, road rash surrounding and I could feel the bruises forming. It hurt like hell to drive. It hurt like hell to get my girls inside the house and in bed. But I did it.
I felt so guilty. I’m a mom, I'm supposed to be their superhero. I’m not supposed to fall. What could have happened if my poor baby hit the ground? Or if Audrey slipped from my arms and got hurt?
I know I did my best. I know I'm human and things happen. I know my babies aren’t hurt and that is all that matters.
But I'm still hurt on the inside. I still feel like I failed them somehow, like I messed up. The mom guilt still makes me want to cry and feel ashamed…
I must have whispered “I'm sorry” to their sleeping faces a hundred times that afternoon. I sat and held them both for hours when they woke.
Sometimes mom-guilt is just feeling bad when they cry for dessert and they haven’t finished dinner. Sometimes it’s saying no to the expensive toy they asked for at the grocery store. But it hurts so much worse when you think you could have hurt your babies while they thought they were safe in your arms.
I’m trying to forgive myself.
I love you my angels.
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